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#1: Script of SNL 30x12 episode Gays In Space skit from closed captions (02/12/05)

Posted on 2005-05-06 02:17:34 by John Shocked

[excerpted from Saturday Night Live February 12 2005
(02/12/05), Jason Bateman/Kelly Clarkson episode.
BSG first season began airing in US in mid-January 2005 ]

You're watching trio --the out zone.
Pop culture, unbiased and out.
At 10:00, "brideshead revisited," followed by "model tv."
But first, "gays in space."
>> Oh, no, this is going to be intergalactic.
Hang on a second, and let me pull myself together.
>> Five.
>> Say what?
>> Four.
>> Nuh-uh.
>> Three.
>> Go ahead.
>> Two.
>> Where's my lipstick?
>> One.
>> That's what I thought you said.
One.
Blast off!
"Gays in space"!
[ Laughter ]
>> Announcer: Episode one -- "you did not wear that today."
>> We're in the clear, captain.
The star cluster is no longer a threat.
>> Fantastic, great, super.
'Tails, girls.
[ Laughter ]
Now, listen, that was effing close.
Whose fault was that -- billiam?
[ Laughter ]
>> Well, I said "hyperspeed," and navigation chose to ignore me once again.
>> Sweetie, I am not required to take orders from you, okay?
[ Laughter ]
>> Yes, you are.
I outrank you, I outdress you, and my teeth are straight.
>> He just cracked your space-face, didn't he?
All right, now, what's our next destination?
>> I thought we'd visit the methane beaches of kilpar.
What do you think of that?
>> Tired.
Nobody goes there but old queens and lezbots.
>> Coming from the authority on tiredness.
>> At least I don't tuck my moon pants into my gravity boots, shania.
[ Laughter ]
>> Yeah, that is so 2084.
>> All right, givindy, billiam, thad --
do you guys understand what I'm trying to do here?
I'm trying to take us to the next galacticon, okay, bouquet?
This kind of negativity is counterproductive, it also is
not productive.
It stresses me out.
I'm already very crabby because I'm on space atkins.
>> Yeah, and you need to stay on that.
>> All right, that's it.
Too much negativity.
Too much tension.
Let's dance, everybody.
Dance it out.
Vogue it out, vogue it out.
Do it.
Snap it, snap it.
Harder turns.
Snap the hand movements.
[ Alarm sounds ]
>> Red alert.
Cheese and rice, everybody.
Man your battle stations, bitches.
Thad, data report!
>> It appears we're caught in a tractor beam.
[ Laughter ]
>>
Ooh, I do hope it's those aliens from zalan V.
You know, the ones with the eight big hands and the eight big feet?
>> Establishing communication, captain.
>> Captain reggie, we meet again.
>> Ugh, it's loretta.
Hi, loretta.
What is it?
>> My brothers, we are in great peril.
>> I can see that.
It's called a hot oil treatment. Look into it.
[ Laughter ]
>> I'm quite serious. Our population is dwindling.
>> I think I know where this is going.
>> The only way our people can survive is by joining
together to procreate.
>> Oh, get to it, loretta, please.
Spit it out, blow it on my face.
What do you want?
>> We need sperm.
>> Right, well, um, loretta, do you want to know something?
I love you guys.
We love to party with you, we love the cookouts, we hate
your music. We love that you help us when we move.
[ Laughter ]
But when it comes to the sex thing, I'm just -- I'm not feeling it.
>> Ditto.
That's why we created the x-25 1000 donation
enhancement collector.
>> Well, shoot it over and we'll take a little look-see at it.
[ Doorbell ]
>>
That's probably the x-25 1000 now.
>> Very quick.
>> Oh, my word.
[ Laughter ]
>> Look what loretta made.
>>
Those girls are good with tools, okay?
[ Laughter ]
>> Man the throttles.
Next stop -- uranus.
[ Audience ohs ]
>> You did not just go there.
>> Yes, I did.
>> She went there, and you loved it.
Outer space outer space
stars out tonight
moonlight on your girl
feels so right
ain't nothing bigger than jupiter
gays in space
[ Cheers and applause ]

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