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Fantasy » alt.fan.tolkien » Ballyhocks and the Three Hobbits
| Ballyhocks and the Three Hobbits [message #247975] |
Sa, 15 April 2006 21:10 |
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Once upon a time there was a balrog called Ballyhocks who got lost in
the woods. After a long, tiring walk he came to a clearing among the
trees, and in the clearing there was a cute house which belonged to
three hobbits. The hobbits were out picking mushrooms, so Ballyhocks
went into the empty house. On the kitchen table, he found three bowls
of porridge: one big, one of medium size and one small. First he tasted
the porridge in the big bowl, but it was too hot. Then he tasted the
porridge in the medium-sized bowl, but it was too cold. Then he tasted
the porridge in the little bowl, and it was just right, though that
circumstance is a bit of a thermodynamic riddle since it should have
been even colder than the porridge in the medium-sized bowl. Anyway,
afterwards the balrog went upstairs, pulled together the three hobbit
beds and fell asleep on them.
When the three hobbits came home, they heard the balrog snore
upstairs, so they went right up and killed it with a blunderbuss. A
blunderbuss is a short gun with a large bore firing many balls or
slugs, though the hobbits' blunderbuss had a wide mouth that opened
like a horn, and they did not fill it with balls or slugs but with old
nails and bits of wire, pieces of broken pot, bones and stones and
other rubbish, And then they aimed it at the balrog and fired.
Since the balrog had eaten most of their porridge, they decided to
boil him and have him for supper instead. But when they had boiled the
balrog, they couldn't eat him because his carcase was full of hard,
lumpy things from the blunderbuss. So they decided to mash him to make
him softer and more edible. However, the balrog mash was still full of
hard, lumpy things, so then they stuck him in a stew. The called the
stew pot =E0 feu, and since, as everybody knows, dishes with French
names are supposed to be full of strange, inedible things, they ate it
all with the greatest relish until all three hobbits burst from having
eaten too much.
Then a fox came upon the scene. He stopped several minutes and
sniffed.
"Hobbits!" he thought. "Well, what next?" Then the fox ate the three
burst hobbits, and afterwards he set fire to the house and sowed
potatoes in the ashes. For this was an Irish fox whose name was O'Fox.
=D6jevind
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| Re: Ballyhocks and the Three Hobbits [message #247976 ] |
Sa, 15 April 2006 23:50 |
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Öjevind Lång wrote:
<snip>
Bravo! Gripping, emotional, and full of hidden messages. You are truly
a master of the short story!
T.
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| Re: Ballyhocks and the Three Hobbits [message #247979 ] |
Mo, 17 April 2006 01:35 |
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=D6jevind L=E5ng wrote:
> Once upon a time there was a balrog called Ballyhocks who got lost in
> the woods. After a long, tiring walk he came to a clearing among the
> trees, and in the clearing there was a cute house which belonged to
> three hobbits. The hobbits were out picking mushrooms, so Ballyhocks
> went into the empty house. On the kitchen table, he found three bowls
> of porridge: one big, one of medium size and one small. First he tasted
> the porridge in the big bowl, but it was too hot. Then he tasted the
> porridge in the medium-sized bowl, but it was too cold. Then he tasted
> the porridge in the little bowl, and it was just right, though that
> circumstance is a bit of a thermodynamic riddle since it should have
> been even colder than the porridge in the medium-sized bowl. Anyway,
> afterwards the balrog went upstairs, pulled together the three hobbit
> beds and fell asleep on them.
> When the three hobbits came home, they heard the balrog snore
> upstairs, so they went right up and killed it with a blunderbuss. A
> blunderbuss is a short gun with a large bore firing many balls or
> slugs, though the hobbits' blunderbuss had a wide mouth that opened
> like a horn, and they did not fill it with balls or slugs but with old
> nails and bits of wire, pieces of broken pot, bones and stones and
> other rubbish, And then they aimed it at the balrog and fired.
> Since the balrog had eaten most of their porridge, they decided to
> boil him and have him for supper instead. But when they had boiled the
> balrog, they couldn't eat him because his carcase was full of hard,
> lumpy things from the blunderbuss. So they decided to mash him to make
> him softer and more edible. However, the balrog mash was still full of
> hard, lumpy things, so then they stuck him in a stew. The called the
> stew pot =E0 feu, and since, as everybody knows, dishes with French
> names are supposed to be full of strange, inedible things, they ate it
> all with the greatest relish until all three hobbits burst from having
> eaten too much.
> Then a fox came upon the scene. He stopped several minutes and
> sniffed.
> "Hobbits!" he thought. "Well, what next?" Then the fox ate the three
> burst hobbits, and afterwards he set fire to the house and sowed
> potatoes in the ashes. For this was an Irish fox whose name was O'Fox.
>
the porridge had been poisoned with sunni-delit by the count of monte
fato.
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| Re: Ballyhocks and the Three Hobbits [message #254142 ] |
Sa, 22 April 2006 07:10 |
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Then he took those Hobbits, and he chopped them up, an' he ate
'em, and he took their curly hair, and he used them to make
purses for Baby Balrogs!
--Ber ("Some-body Ate All Mah Porridge!!!")
Gandalf: You must go down there. It's a test.
Bilbo: I feel pretty weak...and those three trolls
don't look very friendly. What if they attack me?
Gandalf: Nobody will observe.
Troll 1: This muttons a' shit!
Troll 2: Whyn't you just shut yore trap? The mutton's fine.
Troll 3: There's possum in that mutton, and spices, too. I try hard.
Troll 2: Say us a few words out tha' good book, wontcha, Sally.
Troll 3: With pleasure, Big George. From the first book of Nazgul:
"And I will slay thee, and I will take thine HEAD from thee,
and the bodies of the host of the Dunedain will make a feast
for the fell beasts of the air and the birds of Middle Earth."
Troll 2 (Big George): AMEN!
Troll 2 (Big George): Uh... Sally... What's a Dunedain?
Troll 3 (Sally): It's a... you know, a... real dirty person.
Bilbo: Uh... hello. I smelled.... mutton.
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| Re: Ballyhocks and the Three Hobbits [message #256577 ] |
So, 23 April 2006 00:47 |
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Robinsons wrote:
[snip]
> Troll 3: With pleasure, Big George. From the first book of Nazgul:
>
> "And I will slay thee, and I will take thine HEAD from thee,
> and the bodies of the host of the Dunedain will make a feast
> for the fell beasts of the air and the birds of Middle Earth."
>
> Troll 2 (Big George): AMEN!
>
> Troll 2 (Big George): Uh... Sally... What's a Dunedain?
>
> Troll 3 (Sally): It's a... you know, a... real dirty person.
>
> Bilbo: Uh... hello. I smelled.... mutton.
"Mutton dressed as lamb", cackled Big George. "Look 'ere, do you want
some rosemary with yours? Or some peppermint sauce?"
=D6jevind
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| Re: Ballyhocks and the Three Hobbits [message #256579 ] |
So, 23 April 2006 03:06 |
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Öjevind Lång wrote:
> Robinsons wrote:
>
> [snip]
>
> > Troll 3: With pleasure, Big George. From the first book of Nazgul:
> >
> > "And I will slay thee, and I will take thine HEAD from thee,
> > and the bodies of the host of the Dunedain will make a feast
> > for the fell beasts of the air and the birds of Middle Earth."
> >
> > Troll 2 (Big George): AMEN!
> >
> > Troll 2 (Big George): Uh... Sally... What's a Dunedain?
> >
> > Troll 3 (Sally): It's a... you know, a... real dirty person.
> >
> > Bilbo: Uh... hello. I smelled.... mutton.
>
> "Mutton dressed as lamb", cackled Big George. "Look 'ere, do you want
> some rosemary with yours? Or some peppermint sauce?"
"HAVE YOU ANY TOBACCO?" cried the burro hobbit.
feeling a bit like a possum himself as he said it. "Bilbo Baggins, you fool!"
he thought. Of course they had never heard of tobacco, being a New World variant
that trolls would naturally be unfamiliar with, being partial to jimsonweed.
Now you're a Dead Hobbit for sure, if you can't get out of this jam! he thought...
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