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Fantasy » alt.fan.tolkien » If the Lord of the Rings movies had been directed by...
| If the Lord of the Rings movies had been directed by... [message #196854] |
Di, 03 Januar 2006 23:26 |
|
....Dr. Seuss, circa 1957
THE 5,000 RINGS OF DR. S
(Gandalf falls from the precipice, and then...)
Frodo: Augh!
Bilbo: What is it?
Frodo: Nothing... just a dream.
Bilbo: DREAMING again! How many times have I told you
to stop dreaming and concentrate on learning how to use the Ring!
Frodo: Bilbo says I gotta practice. Practice makes perfect...
Practice makes perfect...
(Frodo falls asleep and is chased by Black Riders carrying large, colorful butterfly nets)
***
Gandalf: The Ring is destroyed. The reign of Sauron is ended.
Pippin: We did it! We did it! We won! We saved the Shire!
(much cheering and rejoicing)
Saruman: -- I --, on the other hand, am inclined to DOUBT that statement!!!
(Saruman appears on a ledge wearing a bathrobe and fuzzy slippers.)
Saruman: You play a rather spirited game, Mr. Baggins. But the final
score is what counts. My side is still on top. Your side is... on the bottom.
(cue Victory Song as swarthy men march in)
Ohh... we're rough, we're tough, we're on the ball,
We're gruesome one, we're gruesome all
Unthinkable, stinkable, horrible us, hip-hip hooray!
We are victorious!
Now isn't that too glorious
Us nasty folk notorious
Us greasy grimy gory us
Us stinkers are victorious!
Saruman, thy name we praise
We love yer foul and loathsome ways
Your common criminality...
***
Saruman: (to Theoden) You're beginning to develop an immunity
to my little hypnotic trances. I think you'd better spend tonight...
in your LOCK-ME-TIGHT!
Theoden: The Work for the Happy Ring of Power Method Must Go On.
***
Saruman: Behold! For I am no longer Saruman the White, but Saruman of Many Colors!
(cue "Dress Me Up" song. as brightly dressed orcs march in with mirror:)
Come on and dress me, dress me, dress me in the finest array...
For don't you know that today is do-me-do day...
Come on and dress me in my silver garters, dress me in my diamond studs...
For I'm going do-me-do-ing in my do-me-do duds.
I want my lavender spats, and in addition to that,
I want my chiffon mother hubbard lined with Belegaer bat,
I want my polka-dotted dickie with the crinoline fringe... (etc)
***
Frodo: Samwise! What are you doing here!
Sam: What's it look like I'm doing? Installing sinks for 500 hobbits.
Frodo: Say, have you seen Gandalf?
Sam: Now, you know perfectly well he's in the number 2 spot.
Frodo: The number 2 spot?!
Sam: Number two in charge of the whole Shire takeover racket.
Frodo: Gandalf wouldn't be involved in any racket.
Sam: Look, pardner. I hate to say a bad thing about wizards,
after all, without wizards, the Ring would've never come
to us in the first place. But there's no denying that
Gandalf the Grey is, in fact, in the number 2 spot! Now,
if you'll excuse me, I'm terribly busy. If I don't get these
sinks installed by Monday morning, the County Sink Inspector
won't certify the Sharkey Institute to re-open, and I won't get paid!
Frodo: The Sharkey Institute? Say, what is that?
Sam: This is the Sharkey Institute for Reformed Hobbits, formerly
known as the Shire... and that over there, is your cell. Now if
you'll excuse me...
***
(int. tower of Cirith Ungol)
Frodo: I gotta get outta here! This is crazy!!
Sam: (shrugs) *I* wouldn't try to get out.
Frodo: I know. All you'd ever try for is time-and-a-half for overtime.
***
Sam: I made a promise, Mr. Frodo. A promise. Don't you leave him,
and I don't mean to. I don't mean to.
Frodo: I've been let down by you before. We're gonna seal this one off in blood.
Sam: Oh come on, Mr. Frodo, not after 4 years in the Army.
Frodo: What? It doesn't hurt. See?
***
Ext. Campfire in the woods.
Gollum: What's it doing?!?
Sam: Hunting for big mouth bass.
Gollum: Stupid fat hobbit!
***
Gollum: ...Well, if it's casting for fisshes, that's not the way to do it.
Give it to us, precious... (takes imaginary fishing rod away from Sam)
***
Saruman: Get me the physics laboratory.
Wormtongue: (Hands over palantir)
Saruman: Hello, Physics laboratory? Yes, when the last Rohan soldier
is cut down, I want Theoden disintegrated. I want you to disintegrate
him slowly... atom... by atom. At dawn!
***
Mouth of Sauron: Oh Mr. Aragorn you mustn't say things like that.
Why, the sole purpose of our endeavor is the magical betterment of Gondorian youth!
Aragorn: Well, when you put it that way, it doesn't sound so bad.
***
Frodo: What we need is a magic fix.
Gandalf: What do you mean?
Frodo: You put on your magic ring and an invisible hand reaches into
the air, grabs all the magic and pulls it back into the ring.
We need a device that can suck all the magic out of that ring.
Frodo: Magic in the ring... no more magic. See?
Gandalf: But Frodo, I have no scientific paraphernalia!
Frodo: Oh, come on, Gandalf, it's just gotta work, it's just gotta!
***
Frodo: Boy oh boy am I gonna put that Dark Tower on the fritz!
***
Gandalf:
Frodo , before you use this ring, there's something I gotta warn you.
I've never made one of these before. It's based on a new scientific principle.
It may even be... atomic.
Frodo: (gasps)
Gandalf: If it starts smoking and heating up, you run away as fast as you can!
***
(Frodo falls into a trance and wakes in the forest of Lothlorien.)
Frodo: Lady Galadriel! Boy, am I glad to see you!
Galadriel: Yikes!!
Frodo: You gotta help me, you just gotta!
Galadriel: Frodo my dear, everyone has problems. Even the King of Gondolin has problems.
But does the King of Gondolin appear in my magic mirror and scare me half to death?
No, the King of Gondolin -- he stays in Gondolin.
***
(int. collapsing stair sequence)
Frodo: We made it! We're free!!!
Aragorn: Wait! We can't go out that way. The Twin Balrogs are on the lookout!
Gandalf: I'm sick and tired of being PUSHED AROUND.
(points to brightly colored juice machine in the corner of the great hall,
surrounded by dwarf skeletons.)
Frodo, go get me some of that pickle juice, will you?
Frodo: Are you sure, that Dwarf stuff is DYNAMITE!
Gandalf: Yes, that's what they used it for. (downs pickle juice) Wowie-zowie!
Gandalf: They want to fight us on skates... *I'LL* fight 'em on skates!!
Twin Balrogs:
We are the terrible, terrible balrog twins, with a siamese wing, with a terrible twin
on each end. Don't mess with the twins or you will get choked by the wing of the
balrog twins with the siamese wing, with a terrible twin on each end!
***
Gollum: What has it got in its pockets?
Bilbo: Well let me see... some string... chewing gum... a toothpick...
marbles... paper airplane... ball of wax... a slingshot, kazoo, stapler...
more gum... dice, jacks, decoder ring... frog, salamander, jelly beans...
***
Gandalf: (tosses ring into fire)
Frodo: Well, does it work? Huh does it?
Gandalf: I'm afraid it's no use, Frodo. What we need is some sound equipment!
***
Frodo: He escaped the dungeons of Barad-Dur!
Gandalf: I don't know how long they tortured him, but...
(flashback music)
Guard: (thick Brooklyn accent) 'Dis dungeon is reserved exclusive for
non-ring-of-powah wearers!
That means all others --excepting-- fer dose what wear a ring of powah!
One by one Dr. Sauron rounds em up, brings em down here.
I'm taking you to see Dr. Sauron.
(cue Elevator Operator Song)
(DOOM... DOOM... DOOM...)
Elevator Operator:
First Floor Dungeon! Household Appliances!
Molten Lead, Chopping Blocks, Thumb Screws and Nooses of the very finest rope!
***
Sauron: Here's one of my favorite prisoners. Do you know that part in the music
of creation, when it goes ah... 'boom boom ba-boom'? Well, this idiot added one extra
boom. 'Boom boom ba-boom... a-boom.' Ha-ha!
Drummer: BOOM.... BOOM...
Sauron: He'll be here forever.
Gollum: You mean it has to keep beating that drums forever?
Sauron: Oh, THAT isn't the man I'm punishing! My man is INSIDE the drum!
Prisoner: Help! Somebody Please Let Me Out!!!
Drummer: BOOM.... BOOM...
***
Theoden: I'll have you know that I don't plan on sending any more tribute to Isengard.
Wormtongue: Oh, but Theoden, you really mustn't say that!
Saruman: Don't you know that you are a cog in our glorious operation!
Theoden: I'm no cog. I don't even like the sound of it. I am an unconstitutional monarch.
Saruman: Well let's put it this way. You're an important individual. A Big Wheel!
***
Theoden: You lied to me.
Merry: What do you mean?
Theoden: You told me Saruman was a racketeer. He's actually a very nice man.
A bit daffy at times, but he keeps a fine table... and he gave me this excellent cigar.
Merry: Why, Mr. Theoden, don't you see, you been hypnotized like the rest of em.
Theoden: Nonsense. That's what you get for listening to hobbits. You think that
the whole world is out to get you. Now I've got to get back to work--and you need
to get back to your cell!
Merry:
Now just because we're small because we're not so tall
because we're closer to the ground
and you are bigger pound by pound
you have no right, you have no right
to push and shove us little folk around.
Just because you've whiskers on your face to shave
You treat us like a slave
So what, it's only hair.
Just because you don't wear bright and shiny vests
You think you know what's best
You know that isn't fair!
But we'll grow big some day and when we do, I pray
we'll not just grow in size and sound
and just be bigger pound by pound
I'd hate to grow, like some I know
who push and shove us little folk around.
***
Flunky: Sir, the Number-One Hobbit has Escaped!!!
Sauron: (To Saruman) You!!! You said he could be
trusted. Tonight of all nights, when I am on the
eve of my greatest triumph! So... he doesn't like
the nice comfortable cell I gave him eh? Nazgul!
Turn on searchlights #1-50 inclusive!
Sauron: That hobbit
could be anywhere... he could even be inside Mordor!
Light up the inside of Mordor! Activate manifold switch #66!
Guards, where are you?
Guards: Working our way north, sir... from the impenetrable
mountain range on the south side!
Sauron: How about you?
Guards: Working our way south, sir. from the impenetrable
mountain range on the north side!
Sauron: Twin Balrogs!! Judson! Whiitney! Where are you?!?
Twin Balrog(s): Searching Mount Doom, sir!
Sauron: Idiots! That'd be the LAST place he'd hide.
Search the alleys, sweep the chimneys, flush the card decks, shake the trees!!
(Twin Balrogs skate off across the plain of Gorgoroth.)
***
|
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|
| Re: If the Lord of the Rings movies had been directed by... [message #196886 ] |
Do, 05 Januar 2006 05:23 |
|
If Lord of the Rings were directed by...
....Michael Mann, circa 1992.
Starring:
Daniel Day-Lewis as Aragorn
Steven Waddington as Frodo
Russell Means as Gimli
Eric Schweig as Legoluncas
Maurice Roeves as Theoden
Wes Studi as Meagol
(drums)
T.A. 1757
It is the third year of the war between Gondor and Mordor for control of Middle Earth.
Three hobbits, last of a vanishing people, are on the frontier west of the Anduin river.
(cue Fellowship theme)
TITLE CARD: THE LAST OF THE RINGBEARERS
(shot of Misty Mountains, endlessly repeated)
***
Int. Helm's Deep.
Theoden: How many?
Aragorn: 10,000 strong at least.
It is an army bred for a single purpose: To destroy the world of men!
Theoden: Let them come...
Theoden: ...And where the bloody hell are my reinforcements??
Legoluncas: Another thing. Fatty Bolger's cabin. Frontier cabin. We came upon
it a fortnight ago. Everything burned and destroyed. It was Uruk-hai... allied
to the White Wizard.
Theoden: Aye. (...) So?
Aragorn: That means it was a War Party!
They'll be attacking homes and villages up and down the Westfold,
pillaging and burning as they go! Rick, cot and tree.
Theoden: (pauses) Thank you, sir.
Legoluncas: (eyes flashing) People here... Elves!! Men!! ... got Families out there!!
Theoden: That'll be ALL, sir!!
Legoluncas: (in elvish) Let's go. (Aragorn and Legoluncas exit in a huff.)
Eomer: (quietly) ...Things were done. No one was spared.
Theoden: Those considerations are subordinate to the interests of the Crown.
A terrible feature of war here in the Riddermark, Captain Eomer.
I want every man and strong lad to be ready for battle by nightfall.
We must keep our eyes fixed on our mission: To defeat Saruman!
That now hinges on a courier to Denethor.
Theoden: You, sir, pick your man! The Wizard Gandalf will provide a diversion.
***
Gandalf: There is one other who knew Bilbo had the ring. I looked
everywhere for the traitor, Meagol... but the Enemy found him first!
Frodo: Shire... Baggins! But that would lead them... HERE!
Frodo: (frightened, holds out the Ring) Go ahead! You go.
Gandalf: What fool plan is this?!
Frodo: I want you to go!!
Gandalf: Don't... tempt me, Frodo! I dare not take it... not even to keep it safe.
Frodo: But it cannot stay in the Shire!
Gandalf: No... no it can't. There's no powder left! If I go, there's a chance there
won't be a fight. If I stay with you, then there's NO chance, none! Do you understand?
Samwise: Coward!!
Gandalf: You must leave, and leave quickly. I'll be waiting for you at the
Inn of the Prancing Pony.
(Nazgul screams audible in the distance)
(Gandalf makes to leave.)
Frodo: Remember... if only one of us survives... something of the other does too!
Gandalf: No... you stay alive!!! No matter what occurs! If they Don't kill you,
they'll take you to the House of Lamentation, beyond all darkness. One of the Nazgul
may turn you into a wraith. You're strong! You submit, d'you hear? You stay alive,
no matter what occurs! I will find you. No matter how long it takes, no matter how far!!
I will find you!
(Gandalf rides off.)
***
Ext: Hollin hills.
Merry: How far is it from Rivendell to Mount Doom?
Aragorn: 12 miles.
Pippin: That's two nights and a BIT from here!
Gandalf: It should be enough to remind you that Sauron is our enemy.
Gimli: Sauron is YOUR enemy...
Boromir: WHAT did you say?
Gimli: If anyone were to ask my opinion, which I'd note they have not, I'd say we were taking
the long way round! Gandalf...we could pass over the mountains. Winter in Kan-tuck-ee. Find
a Westron-speaking woman for Legolas. We will say: "You are the one! Bear him many children."
Gandalf: No, Gimli. I would not take the road through Kan-tuck-ee unless I had no other choice.
***
Int. Moria.
Boromir: (to Pippin) When we get to Minas Tirith, the men of the regiment
will fetch food and water and attend to your every desire.
Pippin: I cannot wait to see the bath!!
Gandalf: Over the next stairway should be the Bridge of Fort William Henry.
Frodo: What's that firey shadow in the distance?
(Legoluncas looks over his shoulder to see a horde of Orcs silently tracking them.)
***
Gandalf: I think we can risk a little more light.
(Suddenly, they are surrounded by thousands of orcs. The hobbits draw swords.
Gimli brandishes his axe.)
(The orcs turn and flee.)
Gimli: Ha haa!!!
Frodo: Why did they turn back?
Aragorn: (points to the tombs and skeletons all around)
Aragorn: Dwarf Burial Ground.
Frodo: (incredulous)
And you say *hobbits* are a breed apart, we make no sense!?!
Aragorn: In your particular case, Frodo, I'd make an exception.
Frodo: Thank you SO much.
Gandalf, why were the Dwarves living in this defenceless place...?
Gandalf: Underground's the only land available to poor Dwarven people.
Down here, they're beholden to none... not living by another's leave.
After seven years' indentured service in the Ered Luin, they come out here,
looking to make their fortune. His name was Balin... John Alexander Balin.
***
Aragorn: (points to Argonath) ... So there's Isildur's monument. My folks too, I guess.
Gimli: You were right, Aragorn. We do not understand what is happening here in the wild.
It's not as I imagined it would be thinking of it in Rivendell.
Aragorn: Sorry to disappoint you.
Gimli: On the contrary. It is more deeply stirring to my blood than any
imagining could have been!
***
Ext. Dunharrow campfire. Aragorn addresses a group of soldiers.
Rohan Soldier: Got no families, cap'n. Figured I'd go to Minas Tirith
and lend a hand.
Aragorn: (to assembled soldiers) Push hard. Through Firien Wood and
into Druedain Forest. Once you get to Stonewain Valley, you'll be free of
the outposts and skirmishers.
Soldier: But you're not comin' with us, Aragorn?
Aragorn: I got a reason to stay...
Gamling: That reason wouldn't happen to wear a striped dress and work
in the King's household, now would it?
Aragorn: It does! And no offense, but it's a better lookin' reason
than you, Gamling.
***
Ext. Helm's Deep battlements.
Theoden: Aragorn! Get your men out of there!
Aragorn: Haldir, are you staying?
Haldir: Yes.
Aragorn: There's too many Uruk-hai.
Haldir: And too few of us to fight. Not too many to die...
But we have given our word to our Mannish fathers.
Haldir: (dies honorably) Urk!
***
Ext. Rivendell.
(Aragorn is describing what happened after Weathertop.)
Boromir: (to Arwen) And how is it YOU were so nearby?
Arwen: I came upon the tracks of the Nazgul. Tracked 'em.
Rescued the four hobbits and came here.
Boromir: So you're assigned to Lothlorien.
Arwen: No...
Boromir Dol Amroth, then.
Arwen: Headin' west to the Undying Lands.
Boromir: There is a WAR on! How is it YOU are heading west?
Aragorn: Well, she face to the north... and real sudden-like, turn left.
***
Boromir: And what would a ranger know of these matters?
Boromir: I thought all our Dunedain scouts were in the militia.
Legoluncas: Let's get one thing straight. This is no mere ranger...
Aragorn: ...And I sure ain't no Damn militia.
***
Boromir: This is Isildur's heir?
Legoluncas: And heir to the throne of Gondor.
Aragorn: Clear it up any?
***
Boromir: Gondor has no king... Gondor needs no king.
Aragorn: That is SEDITION!
Boromir: It is the truth!
Aragorn: One of these days I think you and me are gonna have a serious disagreement.
***
Ext. Edge of Fangorn Forest. Massacre site.
Gimli: (exasperated) Why's he loosing the horses!?!
Aragorn: Whyn't you ask him?
Legoluncas: Too easy to track. Be heard for miles.
(picking through the rubble) Find yourself a musket.
Gimli: What?
***
Ext. Edge of Fangorn Forest.
Gandalf: War has come to Rohan. We must make for Edoras, with all due speed.
(nobody moves.)
Gandalf: ... Unless you all'd rather wait for the next Uruk-hai war party to come along.
***
Meagol: Does the Captain of Ithilien believe Masster will keep the terms?
Faramir: Colonel Mithrandir would. But Frodo Baggins will Not keep the agreement
and send the Ring into the fire. I fear that having let Frodo go-- which I must--
I will only have to capture the same hobbits again when I drive towards the Black Gate.
Meagol: Meagol took the Precious to color with blood. It's still bright.
And Meagol's heart will not be whole again until the Precious is ours and
the Baggins and all his seed are dead.
Faramir: Why do you hate the Baggins, Meagol?
Meagol: When the Baggins is dead, Meagol will eat his heart. Before he
dies, Meagol will put his companions under the knife...so the Baggins will
know his seed is wiped off the face of the earth forever.
***
Ext. Council of Elrond. Elrond sits mounted on a dais on a platform
surrounded by cliffs and waterfalls in the distance...
Aragorn: ...I am Aragorn, son of Arathorn, of the Dunedain.
Elessar, adopted son of Elrond of the Half-elven people.
Aragorn: This sword... which is a record of the days of
my father's people... speaks to the truth of my words. (brandishes broken sword)
Elrond: Enough!
Elrond: (in Elvish, with subtitles)
Strangers from distant lands, friends of old.
The One Ring came, and the night entered our future with it, here in Middle Earth.
Our councils have debated the question since I was young: What are the Elves to do?
Aragorn has become a great war leader but his path has never been the Firstborn one.
(Elrond makes a decision.)
Elrond: Aragorn... take fair-haired Rohan sister-daughter
so Theoden's seed doesn't die and Arwen's heart is healed.
Elrond: Boromir... take Ring to Mordor so the Orcish anger burns less bright.
Elrond: Pale-eyed mutant halfling... will burn in fire for the murder of their helpless ones.
Elrond: Mithrandir... go in peace.
(a commotion runs thru the assembly.)
Aragorn: Tell them I will take the Ring to Mordor.
Frodo: (in elvish) Take me! A halfling. I will take the Ring to Mordor!
Gimli: I will be dead before I see the ring in the hands of an elf!
Aragorn: Stop! I am the Sword That Was Broken!
My death would be a great honor to the Free Peoples. Take me!
Aragorn: (to Frodo) ... Did you tell him?
Frodo: ... Yes.
Elrond: (nods, hands ring to Frodo.)
Aragorn: But ... I said *I* would take the Ring to Mount Doom.
Frodo: My compliments, sir. Now take Arwen and get out of here!
***
And last but not least:
***
Pippin backs away slowly. Suddenly, a ** Twig ** snaps underneath his feet...
(Miles away, orcs look up and hear the sound and begin roaring and screeching.)
Gandalf: Fool of a Took!!
|
|
|
| Re: If the Lord of the Rings movies had been directed by... [message #196904 ] |
Fr, 06 Januar 2006 10:56 |
|
....by Terence Malick, 1998.
Starring:
Nick Nolte as Gandalf
Sean Penn as Faramir, etc.
***
MONTAGE - MERRY AND PIPPIN AMONG THE ENTS
Merry and Pippin have gone AWOL and are living among the Ents, unconscious of the passage
of time, of good and evil. The native wild men of the forest live content with what
the earth and sea provide them, in peace and harmony. Merry gets to know two of them
in particular: an older man and a young woman. He marvels at this society where
no one is alone or lives to himself, where all is based on family and clan.
***
Int. Forbidden Pool: Brig.
(the Brig is cold, damp and claustrophobic.)
Faramir: How many times you been captured or stabbed, Baggins? Six? Seven?
Faramir: Ordinarily you'd be court-martialed. But I worked out a deal for you.
You'll be sent to Cirith Ungol with the rest of the Ring team. Disciplinary outfit.
Consider yourself lucky.
Frodo: I can take anything you dish out. I'm twice the halfling you are.
Faramir: In this world -- a halfling, himself -- is nothin'. And there
ain't no world but this one.
Frodo: You got a good heart, Cap'n. I know you don't want anyone to know it.
Why're you always jumping down my throat?
Faramir: You're finally learning how important you are to the world, kid.
Taken you long enough. Hurts, don't it?
***
Nature shots.
***
Int. Rivendell. Flashback.
Elrond: It is time. The ships are leaving for Valinor. Go now before it is too late.
Arwen: There is still hope.
Elrond: Hope? We're living in a world that's blowing itself up about as fast
as everyone can arrange it. In such circumstances the best thing an elf can do,
is close himself off... and let nothing touch 'em.
Arwen: You don't believe in nothing, do you, ada?
Elrond: You still got illusions, kid. You won't for long.
Arwen: What do you believe in?
Elrond: Property. That's what this whole thing's all about. Property!
***
Ext. River, in Boats.
Merry: Think we'll catch an orc raid, Tooks?
Pippin: How the hell do I know? All ah knows, them elf guys said they din't
catch no orc raid last time they made this run. On the other hand, time before last,
they almost got blew up. What do you want me to tell ya?
Merry: Yer a big help, Tooks: Nothin'. Tell me nothin'.
I'll tell you sometin': We're sittin' out here on this river
like a couple fucking ducks in these here boats, that's what.
Pippin: Ah already -know- that.
Merry: Yeh? Well, -brood- on it, Tooks. Brood on it.
***
Nature shots.
***
Gandalf: I read in your 201 file you were a Gondorian officer before the war.
How'd you end up a ranger?
Aragorn: Because of my elvish fiancee. We'd never been separated before,
not even for a night. I took it for four months and then I quit. Resigned.
Gandalf: Yeah?
Aragorn: They sent me back to Rivendell.
They told me I'd never get another commission.
They said they'd see to it that I got drafted...
and that I'd for damn sure be in the Infantry. We had eight months together.
Gandalf: Sons of bitches! Where is she now.
Aragorn: She is sailing to the Undying Lands... with all that is left of her kin.
***
Ext. Muster of Rohirrim; Encampment.
Merry: All I know's, I never bargained fer
nuttin' like this when I signed up in this man's Army back in Edoras.
How did I know they was gonna be a f***ing war, hanh? Answer me that.
Pippin: You tell me.
Merry: (to nobody in particular) All I know's, old Ringbearer Company
always gets screwed. Always...! And I can tell you who's fault it is.
It's that captain of ours, Gandalf. First he gets us stuck off in Rohan
clean away from our own outfit, out here where we don't know a f***in' soul...
***
Nature shots. The Fellowship marches through a clearing in single file,
terrified of the alien sights and sounds of the forest around them.
A Wild Man appears in the distance walking towards them. He passes by the
Fellowship in the opposite direction with a disinterested look on his face.
Scene ends with a CU of a bird in a tree.
***
Ext. Field of Warg Battle.
(All the men are lying prone on the ground, looking desperately
for any sign of the enemy, except Theoden, who struts around carrying a baton.)
Theoden: Get your blouse on, soldier! This ain't no bathing beach!
Whattaya aiming at, son? Let's go get those orc bastards!
(Aragorn has fallen off a cliff.)
(to Aragorn) What are you doing lying down there where you can't see anything?
Aragorn: Observing, sir. There's an army out there... 10,000 strong at least.
I just sent 1st Eored forward to the ridge.
Theoden: How many of them were killed this time?
Aragorn: None, sir.
Theoden: None? Not one?
(An explosion mushrooms, exploding dirt and rocks from the top of the ridge without hurting anybody, causing all the soldiers to hide behind their horses.
Theoden does not flinch.)
Theoden: That doesn't sound much like the situation you described to me over at Edoras.
Aragorn: It's not, sir. The situation's changed.
Theoden: We're going over there now, ALL of us, and we're taking everybody
with us. Do you have ANY more formal complaints or demurrals?
Aragorn: No, sir. Not now.
Theoden: Now we'll do things my way. Goddamnit, MY WAY! We'll take
everybody over to Helms Deep. It'll be high ground before nightfall!!!!!
Aragorn: I think that Uruk-hai army is quite a way from being reduced, sir.
***
Ext. Bilbo's Birthday Party.
Sam: Ain't you watchin' the fun?
Merry: Ain't innerested.
Sam: I guess it is pretty crowded.
Merry: Wouldn't be innerested if it wadn't.
Sam: I'm on my way to get me that hobbit p****.
Merry: Yeah? Well. Have fun.
Pippin: Yeah. Have fun.
Sam: You guys'll wish you had some, once we get to
Weathertop, and run into some of them Black Riders.
***
(ominous music)
Gandalf: "Aeos Rhododactylos... Rosy Fingered Dawn."
Gandalf: (to Palantir) You studied Elvish, didn't you, Captain?
We studied Elvish back at the Point.
Aragorn: (to Palantir) Yes sir.
Gandalf: I want you to take R-for-Rohan Company and G-for-Gondor Company and
march them to the head of the line. We'll take the Black Gate by frontal assault, over.
Aragorn: I'm not sure that'll be enough men to break that position, over.
Gandalf: Oh, sure, sure.
Aragorn: What about water? It's been 4 days without water. Some of the hobbits are... passing out, sir.
Gandalf: The only time you worry about a hobbit is when he stops bitching.
***
Int. Bedroom, Gondor. Post-Reunion Sequence.
Gandalf: Have a seat, Frodo.
Gandalf: Frodo... I'm relieving you of your command.
Gandalf: You're ... you're too soft-hearted. You're not tough-fibered enough.
Gandalf: Anyhow, it's my decision to make, and I've already made it.
Frodo: I don't like to see my companions get killed, sir.
Gandalf: (points to window) You see those vines? You see how they twine around,
swallowing everything? Nature's Cruel, Frodo. Death is the natural order
of things. Best you remember it.
(Nature shot of vines. A DUMB ANIMAL gazes expressionlessly.)
Gandalf: There's no reason to have this incident on Mount Doom go on the
records of the Fellowship. I'm allowing you to put in for reassigment to the
Elf Advocate General Corps in the Undying Lands... for reasons of ill health.
Gandalf: You had the Black Breath?
Frodo: No, sir.
Gandalf: That doesn't matter... in any case you'll get it soon enough. I'm going
to write you a recommendation...and I'm going to do it in such a way that they'll
definitely accept it.
Gandalf: I'm also putting you in for the Silver Star.
(...) Might as well have the Purple Heart, too.
Frodo: What for, Gandalf?
Gandalf: For that CUT on your cheek. For that SCRATCH on your nose. Now you listen to
me, Frodo. You best leave for Valinor as soon as possible. There's a transport with the
wounded shipping out tomorrow. It does NO GOD-DAMNED GOOD for you to be hanging around
here in Middle Earth, do you understand me!? Dismissed.
***
Nature shots. The FELLOWSHIP travel over a ridge in heroic profile.
They are tiny against the landscape. Suddenly, each individual ducks down in succession
in response to an unknown sight or sound. Nothing happens. Warily, they resume marching.
***
Ext. Coronation Scene.
Aragorn: I like to think of the Reunited Kingdom as a family.
Faramir: (V/O) Everything a lie.
Aragorn: That makes me the father. Captain Faramir here, is the mother.
Faramir: (V/O) You're in a box... a moving box.
Aragorn: The father is in charge of the family. The mother runs the family
on a day to day basis. Now I understand some of you men have been drinking
and smoking pipeweed...that's fine, so long as you are in uniform and ready
for battle at reveille. If you have any problem... anything at all.. you
will find that I am available. Any questions?
Faramir: (V/O) They want you dead... or in their lie.
***
Ext. Fangorn Forest. Last March of the Ents.
Narrator: (V/O) What's this War in the heart of Nature?
Ents bombard Isengard with rocks.
Narrator: (V/O) Why does Nature vie with itself? The land contend with the sea?
Ents stomp orcs.
Narrator: (V/O) Is there an avenging power in nature? etc.
***
Ext. Beach. CU on Sand Crab.
THE END
***
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| Re: If the Lord of the Rings movies had been directed by... [message #196912 ] |
Fr, 06 Januar 2006 21:56 |
|
<snip Dr. Seuss (5,000 Rings of Dr. S),
Michael Mann (Last of the Ringbearers),
Terence Malick (The Thin Red Band)>
Any others? C'mon people I'm dying here! :-)
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| Re: If the Lord of the Rings movies had been directed by... [message #196913 ] |
Fr, 06 Januar 2006 23:47 |
|
Robinsons <wrob [at] erols.com> wrote:
> <snip Dr. Seuss (5,000 Rings of Dr. S),
> Michael Mann (Last of the Ringbearers),
> Terence Malick (The Thin Red Band)>
>
> Any others? C'mon people I'm dying here! :-)
Peter Jackson?
Actually, I'm not that familiar with the films and directors you seemed
to be parodying - but that's not that surprising, as I just watch films
for light entertainment. How about:
Steven Spielberg
George Lucas
James Cameron
Or LotR anime film?
Or LotR comic strip style film?
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| Re: If the Lord of the Rings movies had been directed by... [message #196919 ] |
Sa, 07 Januar 2006 03:09 |
|
Christopher Kreuzer wrote:
>
> Robinsons <wrob [at] erols.com> wrote:
> > <snip Dr. Seuss (5,000 Rings of Dr. S),
> > Michael Mann (Last of the Ringbearers),
> > Terence Malick (The Thin Red Band)>
> >
> > Any others? C'mon people I'm dying here! :-)
>
> Peter Jackson?
Based on his prior filmography, I'd say you'd have to cast
Michael J. Fox as Frodo and a sociopathic Kate Winslet as Arwen,
who imagines the whole story. Sloth Orc would appear in all 3
movies as the main villain and would be dismembered via lawnmower.
All special effects would be done with hand puppets and Gollum
would eat his own brain.
> Actually, I'm not that familiar with the films and directors you seemed
> to be parodying - but that's not that surprising, as I just watch films
> for light entertainment. How about:
>
> Steven Spielberg
Hmm, I'll let somebody else do that.
> George Lucas
Child's play, Mr. Kruezer!
For starters, ROTK would end with the Coronation scene, Gollum
would throw himself into the fire in an act of remorse, (GL would
claim repeatedly -- not entirely falsely -- that this would be as
Tolkien wanted it) and Bilbo would be opposed to Frodo hanging out
with Gandalf.
("Remember what happened to your cousin Smeagol -- he got captured
and killed in Mordor!") And we would finally know how magic works
in Middle-Earth.
> James Cameron
Too much like what Jackson did, IMO. James Cameron would cast
Leonardo DiCaprio as Frodo and Arwen would have a forbidden love
affair with Frodo, only to reconcile (unwillingly) with a boorish
Aragorn at the end. Think "Arwen at Helms Deep". Gollum would
be wholly evil and would track the hobbits remorselessly, killing
the other hobbits one by one, only to be reprogrammed by Frodo,
after which he would lower himself into the fire (but only after
killing the Witch-King on the slopes of Mount Doom). However
the movie would be followed by a sequel (Return of the Shadow)
in which Saruman's lost Ring is discovered and used to destroy
Middle-Earth.
--BER
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| Re: If the Lord of the Rings movies had been directed by... [message #196920 ] |
Sa, 07 Januar 2006 04:55 |
|
Christopher Kreuzer wrote:
> George Lucas
***
Wat Tambor: The Techno Union Army -bzzzt- beWOOP! is at
your disposal, Sauron, Lord of the Earth.
Sauron: Build me an army worthy of Mordor.
***
Int. MORIA.
Gimli: Ahhh! Get off! Go away, shoo!
Aragorn: Minocks. Just like I thought.
Probably chewing on the dwarven power cables.
Gandalf ZAPS a Minock which falls dead to the ground.
Suddenly, the Ground SHAKES, and then...
Princess Eowyn: Why did they all fly away?
Aragorn: Let's get out of here, fast. Gimli, open the hatch!
Boromir: The walls of the mine are collapsing!
Aragorn: This is no mine... it's a tomb.
***
Frodo: Gandalf, why didn't you tell me Smeagol was my father?
Frodo: You told me Smeagol died in the dungeons of Barad-Dur.
Gandalf: What I told you was true... from a certain point of view.
***
Saruman: I want you to double your efforts.
Orc: But mi'lord, we dont 'ave the means!
Saruman: Build the dam! Feed the furnaces!
Orc: We don't have enough fuel to feed the fires!
Saruman: Perhaps you would like to tell that to Sauron when he arrives.
Orc: <gulp> The Dark Lord is coming --here--???
Saruman: Sauron intends to personally inspect the work to build a new
DEATH TOWER here at Isengard. I suggest you step up production,
Captain... for your sake. The Dark Lord is not as -forgiving- as I am...
***
Nazgul #1 (Khamul): We've lost them, sir.
They've disappeared from all our scopes!
Witch-King: Ready my winged beast. I will apologize to Lord Sauron myself.
(cut to...)
Sauron: Apology -accepted-, Witch-king Angmar.
Sauron: Captain Khamul!
Khamul: Yes sir!
Sauron: Ready my fleet of ring-wraiths for the jump into shadow-space.
Sauron: Calculate the last known trajectory of the hobbits.
Sauron: YOU are in command now, Witch-King Khamul!
Khamul: <ulp>
***
Princess Eowyn: I'd rather kiss a HORSE!
Aragorn: I can arrange that! You could use a good kiss.
***
Gandalf: A Balrog. A demon of the ancient world.
Aragorn: I've got a bad feeling about this...
***
Ext. Forest of Lothlorien.
Gimli: They say that a great sorceress lives in these woods... an elf-witch
of terrible power. Fortunately, it's against my programming to impersonate
a deity.
Suddenly Legolas is swept up in the air by a crude snare made of vines!
Legolas: (in Elvish) Auuu-auuu-uuughhhhh!!!
Gimli: Aragorn, these woods are perilous! We should go back!
Haldir: nyub-yub! (Translation: You have entered the realm of the
Lady of the Wood. You cannot go back. Come... she is wiating!)
***
Treebeard: I will leave you at the western borders of the forest.
Pippin: No wait... take us south!
Treebeard: South? But that would lead you... past the shield
generator guarding the rebuilt DEATH TOWER!
Pippin: I know. If we go south, we can slip past Saruman unnoticed.
The closer you are to danger, the further we are from harm... It's
the last thing he'd expect.
Merry: Are you mad? We'll be caught!
Pippin: Not this time.
***
Ext. Cloud City. Aragorn's eagle lands on the runway atop the city.
Gimli: Soon, master elf, you will enjoy the fabled hospitality of the droids!
Roaring fires, malt beer, rrripe meat off the bone. This gas-mining operation
is the home of my cousin Lobot... and they call it a mine... A MINE!
Denethor, son of Calrissian: Why you double-crossing, no-good slimeball.
Aragorn: (who, me?)
Denethor: Last of a ragged house long hereft of lordship.
Aragorn: Who ya callin' ragged?
Denethor: Why I should... (puts up fists)
Denethor: Ha ha ha!!! How ya DOIN' you old rascal!!!
Princess Eowyn: (icily) Oh yes, he's quite charming.
Denethor: (Brushing past Aragorn) And who might This be?
Princess Eowyn: PRINCESS Eowyn.
Denethor: PRINCESS! My dear, you -are- lovely.
You TRULY belong with us here among the clouds.
(kisses her hand)
Aragorn: Alright, alright Denethor, you old charmer.
Gimli: Hello, my name is Gimli, son of Gloin, human-dwarf relations,
at your service... how rude! (the others walk past Gimli)
***
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| Re: If the Lord of the Rings movies had been directed by... [message #196997 ] |
Mo, 09 Januar 2006 09:20 |
|
Forgot to add these bits:
***
Pippin: You were right, Gandalf. I'm sorry.
Gandalf: One other thing, Peregrin Took:
It isn't ever necessary to tell me I'm right. We'll assume it. Dismissed!
***
Gandalf: The battle for Helm's Deep is over. The battle for Middle Earth
is about to begin.
Theoden: Well done, men, well done! What're you doing with that orc,
Gimli? There'll be plenty more of those where we're going... Aragorn!
Congratulations! You did it. I'm writing you up for a medal. Possibly
the big one. Now getting it... that's going to be the tricky part!
But hell, it'd mean so much to the battalion...
Aragorn: We have three days. Then we must ride for Minas Tirith.
Theoden: Aww hell. Can you see the new SPIRIT in these men? The
new fighting spirit? Why, if we hold off any longer on marching to
Minas Tirith I think it'd be just about more 'n they could STAND!
Aragorn: (looks at Theoden coldly)
Theoden: You're young. You don't understand.
You've GOT your war. This is my FIRST war!
***
I wrote:
> ...by Terence Malick, 1998.
>
> Starring:
>
> Nick Nolte as Gandalf
> Sean Penn as Faramir, etc.
>
> ***
>
> MONTAGE - MERRY AND PIPPIN AMONG THE ENTS
>
> Merry and Pippin have gone AWOL and are living among the Ents, unconscious of the passage
> of time, of good and evil. The native wild men of the forest live content with what
> the earth and sea provide them, in peace and harmony. Merry gets to know two of them
> in particular: an older man and a young woman. He marvels at this society where
> no one is alone or lives to himself, where all is based on family and clan.
>
> ***
>
> Int. Forbidden Pool: Brig.
>
> (the Brig is cold, damp and claustrophobic.)
>
> Faramir: How many times you been captured or stabbed, Baggins? Six? Seven?
>
> Faramir: Ordinarily you'd be court-martialed. But I worked out a deal for you.
> You'll be sent to Cirith Ungol with the rest of the Ring team. Disciplinary outfit.
> Consider yourself lucky.
>
> Frodo: I can take anything you dish out. I'm twice the halfling you are.
>
> Faramir: In this world -- a halfling, himself -- is nothin'. And there
> ain't no world but this one.
>
> Frodo: You got a good heart, Cap'n. I know you don't want anyone to know it.
> Why're you always jumping down my throat?
>
> Faramir: You're finally learning how important you are to the world, kid.
> Taken you long enough. Hurts, don't it?
>
> ***
>
> Nature shots.
>
> ***
>
> Int. Rivendell. Flashback.
>
> Elrond: It is time. The ships are leaving for Valinor. Go now before it is too late.
>
> Arwen: There is still hope.
>
> Elrond: Hope? We're living in a world that's blowing itself up about as fast
> as everyone can arrange it. In such circumstances the best thing an elf can do,
> is close himself off... and let nothing touch 'em.
>
> Arwen: You don't believe in nothing, do you, ada?
>
> Elrond: You still got illusions, kid. You won't for long.
>
> Arwen: What do you believe in?
>
> Elrond: Property. That's what this whole thing's all about. Property!
>
> ***
>
> Ext. River, in Boats.
>
> Merry: Think we'll catch an orc raid, Tooks?
>
> Pippin: How the hell do I know? All ah knows, them elf guys said they din't
> catch no orc raid last time they made this run. On the other hand, time before last,
> they almost got blew up. What do you want me to tell ya?
>
> Merry: Yer a big help, Tooks: Nothin'. Tell me nothin'.
> I'll tell you sometin': We're sittin' out here on this river
> like a couple fucking ducks in these here boats, that's what.
>
> Pippin: Ah already -know- that.
>
> Merry: Yeh? Well, -brood- on it, Tooks. Brood on it.
>
> ***
>
> Nature shots.
>
> ***
>
> Gandalf: I read in your 201 file you were a Gondorian officer before the war.
> How'd you end up a ranger?
>
> Aragorn: Because of my elvish fiancee. We'd never been separated before,
> not even for a night. I took it for four months and then I quit. Resigned.
>
> Gandalf: Yeah?
>
> Aragorn: They sent me back to Rivendell.
> They told me I'd never get another commission.
> They said they'd see to it that I got drafted...
> and that I'd for damn sure be in the Infantry. We had eight months together.
>
> Gandalf: Sons of bitches! Where is she now.
>
> Aragorn: She is sailing to the Undying Lands... with all that is left of her kin.
>
> ***
>
> Ext. Muster of Rohirrim; Encampment.
>
> Merry: All I know's, I never bargained fer
> nuttin' like this when I signed up in this man's Army back in Edoras.
> How did I know they was gonna be a f***ing war, hanh? Answer me that.
>
> Pippin: You tell me.
>
> Merry: (to nobody in particular) All I know's, old Ringbearer Company
> always gets screwed. Always...! And I can tell you who's fault it is.
> It's that captain of ours, Gandalf. First he gets us stuck off in Rohan
> clean away from our own outfit, out here where we don't know a f***in' soul...
>
> ***
>
> Nature shots. The Fellowship marches through a clearing in single file,
> terrified of the alien sights and sounds of the forest around them.
>
> A Wild Man appears in the distance walking towards them. He passes by the
> Fellowship in the opposite direction with a disinterested look on his face.
>
> Scene ends with a CU of a bird in a tree.
>
> ***
>
> Ext. Field of Warg Battle.
>
> (All the men are lying prone on the ground, looking desperately
> for any sign of the enemy, except Theoden, who struts around carrying a baton.)
>
> Theoden: Get your blouse on, soldier! This ain't no bathing beach!
>
> Whattaya aiming at, son? Let's go get those orc bastards!
>
> (Aragorn has fallen off a cliff.)
>
> (to Aragorn) What are you doing lying down there where you can't see anything?
>
> Aragorn: Observing, sir. There's an army out there... 10,000 strong at least.
> I just sent 1st Eored forward to the ridge.
>
> Theoden: How many of them were killed this time?
>
> Aragorn: None, sir.
>
> Theoden: None? Not one?
>
> (An explosion mushrooms, exploding dirt and rocks from the top of the ridge without hurting anybody, causing all the soldiers to hide behind their horses.
> Theoden does not flinch.)
>
> Theoden: That doesn't sound much like the situation you described to me over at Edoras.
>
> Aragorn: It's not, sir. The situation's changed.
>
> Theoden: We're going over there now, ALL of us, and we're taking everybody
> with us. Do you have ANY more formal complaints or demurrals?
>
> Aragorn: No, sir. Not now.
>
> Theoden: Now we'll do things my way. Goddamnit, MY WAY! We'll take
> everybody over to Helms Deep. It'll be high ground before nightfall!!!!!
>
> Aragorn: I think that Uruk-hai army is quite a way from being reduced, sir.
>
> ***
>
> Ext. Bilbo's Birthday Party.
>
> Sam: Ain't you watchin' the fun?
>
> Merry: Ain't innerested.
>
> Sam: I guess it is pretty crowded.
>
> Merry: Wouldn't be innerested if it wadn't.
>
> Sam: I'm on my way to get me that hobbit p****.
>
> Merry: Yeah? Well. Have fun.
>
> Pippin: Yeah. Have fun.
>
> Sam: You guys'll wish you had some, once we get to
> Weathertop, and run into some of them Black Riders.
>
> ***
>
> (ominous music)
>
> Gandalf: "Aeos Rhododactylos... Rosy Fingered Dawn."
>
> Gandalf: (to Palantir) You studied Elvish, didn't you, Captain?
> We studied Elvish back at the Point.
>
> Aragorn: (to Palantir) Yes sir.
>
> Gandalf: I want you to take R-for-Rohan Company and G-for-Gondor Company and
> march them to the head of the line. We'll take the Black Gate by frontal assault, over.
>
> Aragorn: I'm not sure that'll be enough men to break that position, over.
>
> Gandalf: Oh, sure, sure.
>
> Aragorn: What about water? It's been 4 days without water. Some of the hobbits are... passing out, sir.
>
> Gandalf: The only time you worry about a hobbit is when he stops bitching.
>
> ***
>
> Int. Bedroom, Gondor. Post-Reunion Sequence.
>
> Gandalf: Have a seat, Frodo.
>
> Gandalf: Frodo... I'm relieving you of your command.
>
> Gandalf: You're ... you're too soft-hearted. You're not tough-fibered enough.
>
> Gandalf: Anyhow, it's my decision to make, and I've already made it.
>
> Frodo: I don't like to see my companions get killed, sir.
>
> Gandalf: (points to window) You see those vines? You see how they twine around,
> swallowing everything? Nature's Cruel, Frodo. Death is the natural order
> of things. Best you remember it.
>
> (Nature shot of vines. A DUMB ANIMAL gazes expressionlessly.)
>
> Gandalf: There's no reason to have this incident on Mount Doom go on the
> records of the Fellowship. I'm allowing you to put in for reassigment to the
> Elf Advocate General Corps in the Undying Lands... for reasons of ill health.
>
> Gandalf: You had the Black Breath?
>
> Frodo: No, sir.
>
> Gandalf: That doesn't matter... in any case you'll get it soon enough. I'm going
> to write you a recommendation...and I'm going to do it in such a way that they'll
> definitely accept it.
>
> Gandalf: I'm also putting you in for the Silver Star.
>
> (...) Might as well have the Purple Heart, too.
>
> Frodo: What for, Gandalf?
>
> Gandalf: For that CUT on your cheek. For that SCRATCH on your nose. Now you listen to
> me, Frodo. You best leave for Valinor as soon as possible. There's a transport with the
> wounded shipping out tomorrow. It does NO GOD-DAMNED GOOD for you to be hanging around
> here in Middle Earth, do you understand me!? Dismissed.
>
> ***
>
> Nature shots. The FELLOWSHIP travel over a ridge in heroic profile.
>
> They are tiny against the landscape. Suddenly, each individual ducks down in succession
> in response to an unknown sight or sound. Nothing happens. Warily, they resume marching.
>
> ***
>
> Ext. Coronation Scene.
>
> Aragorn: I like to think of the Reunited Kingdom as a family.
>
> Faramir: (V/O) Everything a lie.
>
> Aragorn: That makes me the father. Captain Faramir here, is the mother.
>
> Faramir: (V/O) You're in a box... a moving box.
>
> Aragorn: The father is in charge of the family. The mother runs the family
> on a day to day basis. Now I understand some of you men have been drinking
> and smoking pipeweed...that's fine, so long as you are in uniform and ready
> for battle at reveille. If you have any problem... anything at all.. you
> will find that I am available. Any questions?
>
> Faramir: (V/O) They want you dead... or in their lie.
>
> ***
>
> Ext. Fangorn Forest. Last March of the Ents.
>
> Narrator: (V/O) What's this War in the heart of Nature?
>
> Ents bombard Isengard with rocks.
>
> Narrator: (V/O) Why does Nature vie with itself? The land contend with the sea?
>
> Ents stomp orcs.
>
> Narrator: (V/O) Is there an avenging power in nature? etc.
>
> ***
>
> Ext. Beach. CU on Sand Crab.
>
> THE END
>
> ***
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