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Science Fiction » alt.fan.douglas-adams » Oh Dear
Oh Dear [message #190812] Mi, 28 Dezember 2005 23:27
aqusenet  
This morning, a wormhole opened up in my tea cupboard.

When I say "This Morning", I don't actually mean "This Morning",
obviously, it's just that when I use the phrase "A wormhole willon haven
be opening up in my tea cupboard yestormorrow morning" people look at me
strangely, so I'm being forced to restrict my use of future pronouns
until such time as time resolves, or dissolves, or possibly revolves.

You see, I have recently moved into my new flat. It is a nice new flat,
with heating and lighting and also gravity, and it has fridges and
microwaves and shelving and books and jam and televisions and
alarm-clocks and beds and computers and cables and cds and beer and wine
and screws and allan keys and jumpers and candles and mannequins and
bags and coffee and hats and blankets and pillows and laptops and jam
(yes, more jam) and Christmas hats and headphones and boots and phones
and laundry bins. However, I have moved into this new one room flat from
a two bedroom terraced house, which also had a garage, and so have had
to resort to... unusual methods to place all the items that were once in
my house into my new flat. Partly, this was achieved by the use of Ikea
and gratuitous use of boxes, but this fell apart when faced with the
small issue of my tea collection.

I collect tea.

I also drink tea, by copious amounts, but I always seem to be buying
more tea at a rate faster than I can actually drink this tea. This is a
constant, so if I start buying less tea (as has happened since I moved
to Bedford, a place with - and say it quietly lest anyone hear you - no
real tea shops) I will find myself drinking less tea. Previously, this
was solved by devoting a shelf of a cupboard to tea, and then ruthlessly
throwing away tea I wasn't drinking, but the new flat has little space
to devote to such frivolities, and so I was forced to get a portable
dimensional expander, which I sourced from eBay, knowing full well that
it was unlikely to be properly certified. the PDX arrived a couple of
days later (After being held by the post office, since they tried to
deliver it while I was at work). You may not have seen these devices, I
suppose, since they haven't yet shipped officially from their native
Japan. basically, they take a limited space, and then by some means (and
here I'm somewhat at the mercy of my own poor translation of the
Japanese manual) reach into another theoretical dimension where the
container was built to a larger scale, and provide you with access to
that extra space. The further up you scale the space, the more unstable
it becomes. It's revolutionising the cargo shipping industry, as you can
well imagine, although commercial use has yet to really catch on, as the
instability is difficult to insure against (If it fails, the entire
contents is probably lost in the one case, and replaced with something
entirely random in other cases, probably as a result of a "Switch" with
whatever the cupboard was being used for in this alternate dimension.
Theories, obviously, abound). Anyway, I installed it into a reasonably
useless shelf (The kitchen builder had apparently wanted a shelf four
inches high by twelve deep) and managed to stack my tea inside the now
archive-boxed sized opening. (Obviously, the front of the shelf was
still only four inches high, but it now was right before a large drop
that appeared to go right _though_ the solid bottom shelf and end
halfway down the bread maker under the unit. A most *weird* sensation,
to be putting your hand though a shelf that patently isn't there). And
so we went on for a couple of weeks.

This evening just after I'd got back from being home for the holidays, I
was packing away things when I discovered a box of boxes of tea that I'd
somehow missed last week, but as I was adding the last couple to the
extended shelf, something went wrong with the unit, and the shelf
collapsed. My arm, still trapped inside, stopped the unit from
collapsing cleanly, and a wormhole opened up in my kitchen cupboard.
After a great deal of effort I managed to pull my arm free of the hole,
only to discover that I'd gone back to some time mid last week. I
immediatly did what any self respecting geek would do after such a
traumatic experience: I went and talked about it on IRC for a while. It
was somewhat to my surprise that my doorbell rang a couple of hours
later with some representatives in black suits from... well, I don't
suppose I'm actually allowed to say who they were from, but their
existence is interesting to say the least.

Anyway, after the kerfuffle of closing up the wormhole and documenting
it all, and Christmas and such it's been a pretty hectic couple of weeks
around here, so I'm sorry to say that I didn't realise that in this
revision of reality I hadn't posted you all your christmas cards yet.
I'll get round to it at some point soon, but sorry about that.

Yours Faithfully,

Aquarion.

(Ten percent of this story is ninty-five percent true, fourteen percent
is sixty-five percent true, thirty-five percent is only five percent
true, and all the rest isn't)
Re: Oh Dear [message #190813 ] Do, 29 Dezember 2005 01:46
Tian  
Aquarion wrote:
> This morning, a wormhole opened up in my tea cupboard.
>
> When I say "This Morning", I don't actually mean "This Morning",
> obviously, it's just that when I use the phrase "A wormhole willon haven
> be opening up in my tea cupboard yestormorrow morning" people look at me
> strangely, so I'm being forced to restrict my use of future pronouns
> until such time as time resolves, or dissolves, or possibly revolves.
>
> You see, I have recently moved into my new flat. It is a nice new flat,
> with heating and lighting and also gravity, and it has fridges and
> microwaves and shelving and books and jam and televisions and
> alarm-clocks and beds and computers and cables and cds and beer and wine
> and screws and allan keys and jumpers and candles and mannequins and
> bags and coffee and hats and blankets and pillows and laptops and jam
> (yes, more jam) and Christmas hats and headphones and boots and phones
> and laundry bins. However, I have moved into this new one room flat from
> a two bedroom terraced house, which also had a garage, and so have had
> to resort to... unusual methods to place all the items that were once in
> my house into my new flat. Partly, this was achieved by the use of Ikea
> and gratuitous use of boxes, but this fell apart when faced with the
> small issue of my tea collection.
>
> I collect tea.
>
> I also drink tea, by copious amounts, but I always seem to be buying
> more tea at a rate faster than I can actually drink this tea. This is a
> constant, so if I start buying less tea (as has happened since I moved
> to Bedford, a place with - and say it quietly lest anyone hear you - no
> real tea shops) I will find myself drinking less tea. Previously, this
> was solved by devoting a shelf of a cupboard to tea, and then ruthlessly
> throwing away tea I wasn't drinking, but the new flat has little space
> to devote to such frivolities, and so I was forced to get a portable
> dimensional expander, which I sourced from eBay, knowing full well that
> it was unlikely to be properly certified. the PDX arrived a couple of
> days later (After being held by the post office, since they tried to
> deliver it while I was at work). You may not have seen these devices, I
> suppose, since they haven't yet shipped officially from their native
> Japan. basically, they take a limited space, and then by some means (and
> here I'm somewhat at the mercy of my own poor translation of the
> Japanese manual) reach into another theoretical dimension where the
> container was built to a larger scale, and provide you with access to
> that extra space. The further up you scale the space, the more unstable
> it becomes. It's revolutionising the cargo shipping industry, as you can
> well imagine, although commercial use has yet to really catch on, as the
> instability is difficult to insure against (If it fails, the entire
> contents is probably lost in the one case, and replaced with something
> entirely random in other cases, probably as a result of a "Switch" with
> whatever the cupboard was being used for in this alternate dimension.
> Theories, obviously, abound). Anyway, I installed it into a reasonably
> useless shelf (The kitchen builder had apparently wanted a shelf four
> inches high by twelve deep) and managed to stack my tea inside the now
> archive-boxed sized opening. (Obviously, the front of the shelf was
> still only four inches high, but it now was right before a large drop
> that appeared to go right _though_ the solid bottom shelf and end
> halfway down the bread maker under the unit. A most *weird* sensation,
> to be putting your hand though a shelf that patently isn't there). And
> so we went on for a couple of weeks.

Puts on peril sensative sunglasses. (They seem to be glowing a bit,
but it could be my imagination.)
>
> This evening just after I'd got back from being home for the holidays, I
> was packing away things when I discovered a box of boxes of tea that I'd
> somehow missed last week, but as I was adding the last couple to the
> extended shelf, something went wrong with the unit, and the shelf
> collapsed. My arm, still trapped inside, stopped the unit from
> collapsing cleanly, and a wormhole opened up in my kitchen cupboard.
> After a great deal of effort I managed to pull my arm free of the hole,
> only to discover that I'd gone back to some time mid last week. I
> immediatly did what any self respecting geek would do after such a
> traumatic experience: I went and talked about it on IRC for a while. It
> was somewhat to my surprise that my doorbell rang a couple of hours
> later with some representatives in black suits from... well, I don't
> suppose I'm actually allowed to say who they were from, but their
> existence is interesting to say the least.

You were visited by the MIB? I thought you had to say bad things
about *The President*(TM) to rate a visit from them. I hope they
didn't invade your privacy! (shudder)
>
> Anyway, after the kerfuffle of closing up the wormhole and documenting
> it all, and Christmas and such it's been a pretty hectic couple of weeks
> around here, so I'm sorry to say that I didn't realise that in this
> revision of reality I hadn't posted you all your christmas cards yet.
> I'll get round to it at some point soon, but sorry about that.
>
>
I know how it is when those deadlines WHOOSH! by. Don't worry about it.

--
Tian
Monday evening I saw the Christmas lights in Willow Glenn.
http://tian.greens.org
Re: Oh Dear [message #190821 ] Do, 29 Dezember 2005 18:39
elliott.hird.name  
That was so wonderfully large i'm not even going to read it.
Re: Oh Dear [message #190823 ] Do, 29 Dezember 2005 20:07
Tian  
elliott.hird.name [at] googlemail.com wrote:
> That was so wonderfully large i'm not even going to read it.
>
What it boiled down to was "oops, the deadline past and now
I have to get busy. When I get around to it..."

--
Tian
The Doctor was revived by a nice cup of tea. He then said
something along the lines of "Just what I needed. A cup of
tea. Free radicals suspended in a brownian fluid". - TheDysk
http://tian.greens.org
Re: Oh Dear [message #190825 ] Do, 29 Dezember 2005 20:23
Kaare Fiedler Christi  
Tian wrote:
> elliott.hird.name [at] googlemail.com wrote:
>
>> That was so wonderfully large i'm not even going to read it.
>>
> What it boiled down to was "oops, the deadline past and now
> I have to get busy. When I get around to it..."

But actually, it's worth reading, it was the best excuse I've seen in a
long time... _And_ it involved tea!

Best
Kåre
Re: Oh Dear [message #190831 ] Fr, 30 Dezember 2005 01:48
Tian  
Kaare Fiedler Christiansen wrote:
> Tian wrote:
>
>> elliott.hird.name [at] googlemail.com wrote:
>>
>>> That was so wonderfully large i'm not even going to read it.
>>>
>> What it boiled down to was "oops, the deadline past and now
>> I have to get busy. When I get around to it..."
>
>
> But actually, it's worth reading, it was the best excuse
> I've seen in a long time... _And_ it involved tea!
>

Yup, very true. I'd accept it on literary merit alone if it
was given me when I was a teacher.

--
Tian
The Doctor was revived by a nice cup of tea. He then said
something along the lines of "Just what I needed. A cup of
tea. Free radicals suspended in a brownian fluid". - TheDysk
http://tian.greens.org
Re: Oh Dear [message #190845 ] Fr, 30 Dezember 2005 22:50
Snake Lady  
Aquarion wrote:
> This morning, a wormhole opened up in my tea cupboard.
>
> When I say "This Morning", I don't actually mean "This Morning",
> obviously, it's just that when I use the phrase "A wormhole willon
> haven be opening up in my tea cupboard yestormorrow morning" people
> look at me strangely, so I'm being forced to restrict my use of
> future pronouns until such time as time resolves, or dissolves, or
> possibly revolves.

Why did Alan Partridge suddenly spring into my mind when I read that?....I
suddenly had an image of him talking to the BBC Exec saying :-
"Evolution, not revolution....That is sooo me....Becauuse you see, I evolve,
but...erm....I don't...er...Revolve"
Re: Oh Dear [message #195624 ] Do, 05 Januar 2006 14:03
spam05  
aqusenet [at] mailinator.com (Aquarion) hit the keyboard.
Afterwards the following was on the screen:

> This evening just after I'd got back from being home for the holidays, I
> was packing away things when I discovered a box of boxes of tea that I'd
> somehow missed last week, but as I was adding the last couple to the
> extended shelf, something went wrong with the unit, and the shelf
> collapsed. My arm, still trapped inside, stopped the unit from
> collapsing cleanly, and a wormhole opened up in my kitchen cupboard.
> After a great deal of effort I managed to pull my arm free of the hole,
> only to discover that I'd gone back to some time mid last week. I
> immediatly did what any self respecting geek would do after such a
> traumatic experience: I went and talked about it on IRC for a while. It
> was somewhat to my surprise that my doorbell rang a couple of hours
> later with some representatives in black suits from... well, I don't
> suppose I'm actually allowed to say who they were from, but their
> existence is interesting to say the least.

Will you then get it delivered again in some days after traveling back
in time? And then it would happen again?

Will you ever get past the accident in time, then? I am afraid you
might not exist in teh future for being caught in a time loophole...

> (Ten percent of this story is ninty-five percent true, fourteen percent
> is sixty-five percent true, thirty-five percent is only five percent
> true, and all the rest isn't)

Oh, I expected this to be 100% but I see it doesn't. But overall it
seems to be 200% true. I know you have to be careful adding
percentages but I tried anyway...

--
-- [ Rasmus "Møffe" Bøg Hansen ] ---------------------------------------
Defense??
What am I to defend??
Am I in war??
----------------------------------------------[ moffe at zz9 dot dk ] --
Vorheriges Thema:apologies for a few days ago
Nächstes Thema:Merry Christmas (ish)
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