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Science Fiction » alt.startrek » Script of SNL Patrick Stewart 1994 Appearance #6 -- 2 skits from closed captions
| Script of SNL Patrick Stewart 1994 Appearance #6 -- 2 skits from closed captions [message #91357] |
Mi, 27 Juli 2005 11:03 |
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In these 1994 Saturday Night Live skits, Patrick Stewart of Star Trek: The Next Generation,
to his credit, says: "say No to anal sex !".
As such, Stewart, who I am sure contributed to both of these 1994 Saturday Night Live
scripts, clearly wanted to denounce the direction the Star Trek franchise took at that time
when it was taken over by Hollywood Homosexuals, after the Oct 24 1991
death of Gene Roddenberry and the takeover of the Star Trek enterprise by Rick Berman.
Episodes like ST:TNG The Outcast in 1992 and the whole script of the new series
Star Trek Deep Space Nine (1993-1999) with the androgynous Jadzia Dax (Terry Farrell)
character were designed primarily to sell Sodomy to you and your kids in this new Berman era.
Politics
[Transcripts of 2 Saturday Night Live skits excerpted from the
February 5, 1994 Patrick Stewart appearance from closed captions]
===============================================
>>> Hi! Welcome to Sexy Cakes, the erotic bakery.
>> I've walked by this place. I never thought I'd go inside it.
>> Well, I think you'll find that it's a little more fun than an ordinary bakery.
>> Yeah, my friend's havin' a bachelor party, and I thought it might be kind of fun if I got him an erotic cake.
>> Well, you have come to the right place.
I have the perfect sexy cake for a bachelor party.
Oh, oh -- what about this one?
What do you think?
>> Looks like a woman goin' to the bathroom.
[ Light laughter ]
>> Yeah, it's very sexy.
[ Laughter ]
>> What else do you have?
>> Ooh, I understand. It's not, perhaps, your cup of tea.
Perhaps -- maybe this sexy cake might be more up your alley.
>> This is the exact same cake.
>> No, no, no. This is chocolate.
[ Laughter ]
>> Yeah, but it's still a woman goin' to the bathroom.
>> Exactly.
Oh, could you excuse me for a moment?
>>Hi.
Hi, we're here to pick up our cake.
>> Yes, the man-on-man lemon meringue.
[ Laughter ]
>> Right.
I took a little artistic license with this one, but, well,
I think you'll enjoy the results.
>> Hey, this is a woman going to the bathroom.
[ Laughter ]
>> Yeah, it's very exciting, isn't it?
That'll be $15.
>> We wanted a cake of two guys having sex.
>> Yeah, I know.
Well, I guess you can say I sexied it up for you. No extra charge.
>> Party's tonight. We'll take it.
>> Thank you.
Oh, you'll have to excuse me. It has been like this all day.
>> What other types of cakes do you have?
>> Well, why don't we take a look at our catalog?
Now, you see, this shows every sexy, titillating cake we offer.
Oh, now, here's a woman squatting behind some bushes.
[ Laughter ]
Look, the leaves are made of spun sugar.
And -- oh.
Here's a lady using a little marzipan port-a-potty.
>> So all your cakes are women going to the bathroom?
>> Yeah.
[ Laughter ]
What's your point?
>> Well, don't you have anything else?
>> Look, maybe you don't understand. This is an erotic bakery.
>> I'm sorry.
I just don't find this very erotic.
>> A woman going to the bathroom?
You don't find it erotic?
>> No, not really.
>> Well, then what, pray tell, would you suggest we do put on our erotic cakes?
[ Light laughter ]
>> I don't know --people having sex?
Female and male genitalia. You know, somethin' like that.
>> Well, if that's what you're after, I suggest you try Hostess or Sara Lee.
[ Laughter ]
>> Can't you just make a cake with a couple on it having sex?
>> All right, look, I'll tell you what I will do.
I will make a cake with a woman and a man going to the bathroom.
[ Light laughter ]
And then, that way, you'll be happy, and your friends will be happy.
>> I don't think my friends would like that, either.
>> Well, I would certainly like to meet these friends of yours sometime!
[ Light laughter ]
>> Look, could we just have a cake with just sex and no going to the bathroom?
>> May I remind you that you are going to have to eat this cake?
[ Light laughter ]
>> I'll tell you what --just give me a regular cake with nothing on it.
>> I'm sorry. I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.
>> Why?!
>> This is some kind of joke, isn't it? Who put you up to this, a fraternity?
You get out! Go on. Get out of here, young man!
>> Hi. It's my fiancé's birthday. Can I get a cake shaped like a woman going to the bathroom?
>> Absolutely.
[ Cheers and applause ]
===========================================
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Nickelodeon theme plays ]
You show me and I'll show you Dr. Elders will show us, too 'cause you're never
too young and you're never too small to know the difference between a penis and a ball
yay
>> Nickelodeon presents --
"show and tell," with Surgeon General Dr. Joycelyn elders.
>> Good morning, boys and girls. And welcome to "Show and Tell."
You know, learning safe sex is as easy as a-b-C.
Did somebody say "a-b-c"?
"A" is for "abstinence."
Which -- I have to be honest with you -- is a Reagan-era fantasy.
[ Light laughter ]
Children are going to have sex. It's as easy as that.
Okay?
"B" is for "bastard."
That's a technical word for the product of an out-of-wedlock pregnancy.
Now, do we have any bastards here today?
[ Laughter ]
Come on, Tony. You're a bastard. Raise your hand.
[ Laughter ]
There's no shame in that. Good, Tony.
You know, Jesse Jackson is a bastard. As are all of Goldie Hawn's children.
[ Laughter ]
Can you say "Jesse Jackson" and "Goldie Hawn"?
>> All: Jesse Jackson and Goldie Hawn.
>> Good!
Now, what we are tryin' to do is to make fewer bastards, which brings us to "C."
Now, what is "c" for, children?
>> All: "Condoms"!
>> That's right.
Very good.
We learn that every week.
Can't hit the condoms too hard.
Condom, condom, condom!
[ Laughter ]
Well, boys and girls, I think "a" through "c" is good for today.
Tomorrow, we'll study "d" through "G."
That's "dental dam" through "gonorrhea."
[ Bell rings ]
Oh, goody, goody, goody!
It's time for our special guest. And he's come all the way
from the Center for Disease Control in Atlanta.
Boys and girls, let's give a warm "Show and Tell" welcome to Dr. Ian Menchenson.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Welcome, Dr. Menchenson.
>> Thank you, General Elders. It's a great pleasure to be here.
We, at the Center for Disease Control, agree that kids are
never too young to hear frank and open discussion of sexuality and health issues.
And that's why we are terribly excited about our new program,
which is called "Project Just Say No To Anal Intercourse."
[ Laughter ]
>> Now, what do you have to show the children?
>> Well -- this is what we at "Project Just Say No To Anal Intercourse" call the visible rectum.
[ Laughter ]
Now, this --this -- it's a learning tool.
And we have developed it especially for children aged 6 to 8.
>> Uh-huh, and how does it work?
>> How does it work?
Well, basically, we think it's absolutely vital for children to know that,
during anal intercourse, the tearing and ripping of the anal membrane can expose the
receptor's bloodstream to a large dose of HIV-laden ejaculate --
>> Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
>> I'm sorry?
>> No, doctor.
I think you're frightenin' the children.
>> Good.
Good!
That's just what we're trying to do at "Project Just Say No to Anal Intercourse."
You see, we want to discourage anal intercourse among children, and by alerting them to the dangers --
>> No, no, no, doctor!
I think maybe the visible rectum is a bad idea.
>> Oh. I have drawings.
>> No, no, no.
I'm afraid that we've run out
of time.
Kids, let's thank Dr. Menchenson.
[ Applause ]
Well, that's all the time we have for today. But before we go, I should
announce that this was our last show for nickelodeon.
Evidently, we've been gettin' a lot of negative mail from some very narrow-minded people.
But that's okay.
We're movin' to PBS on weekdays, following "Daddy's Got A Boyfriend."
[ Laughter ]
And remember, boys and girls, if you're gonna have anal-oral
contact and you're not sure of your partner's history --
>> All: Use a dental dam.
>> Bye-bye, now.
Bye-bye.
[ Applause ]
==================================
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| Re: Script of SNL Patrick Stewart 1994 Appearance #6 -- 2 skits from closed captions [message #93319 ] |
Fr, 29 Juli 2005 04:47 |
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There's a famous joke about a man who goes to see a psychiatrist. The
pychiatrist gives the man an ink-blot test. When the psychiatrist shows
him the first ink blot, the man says, "That's a man and a woman having
sex!" When the psychiatrist shows him the second ink blot, the man
says, "That's two dogs having sex!" When the psychiatrist shows him the
third ink blot, the man says, "That's two people having sex again, but
from a different angle!"
The psychiatrist says to the man, "You seem to think about sex a lot."
The man answers, "Me?!? Hey, you're the one who's showing me all those
dirty pictures!"
That's John Shocked. Or possibly, "the character known as John
Shocked," because I'm not convinced his posts don't represent one big,
extended hoax. But maybe I underestimate the ability of people to stick
to their delusions.
John Shocked simply cannot stop thinking about gay sex. If a character
in a TV show sas, "That's my father!", John Shocked remembers an
outdated theory that a bad relationship between a father and a son
causes homosexuality, and he thinks the show must be talking about
gays. When he sees a character thrown in the brig for some infraction,
he remembers that the prison show Oz (which, clearly, had a VERY strong
effect on him) had a lot of male-on-male rape in it, so the scene in
the brig is really about sodomy. When a character says "I am not a
Cylon!", John Shocked thinks that sounds a lot like saying "I am not a
homosexual!", so the show must be promoting homosexuality. (That last
one is my favorite.)
And so on and so on and so on. I feel sure that if John Shocked saw
Oscar the Grouch on Sesame Street, he would insist that the character
and the show were actually pushing sodomy, because Oscar Wilde was a
sodomite. (This is even before we get to Bert and Ernie.)
The images that appear on the TV shows are actually just ink blots to
him, on which he projects whatever he happens to have in his mind. And
what John Shocked has in his mind is a great whole lot of gay sex!
I wouldn't want to speculate why, at least not without more
information. It could be, of course, that he's repressing very strong
gay feelings, and this is the way they come out (if you'll excuse the
expression). But that's not the only possibility. It could be a phobia
about gay sex - people spend a lot of time thinking about things
they're scared of, without necessarily desiring those things,
consciously or unconsciously. There are other explanations as well.
But the one thing we can be sure of is that it has nothing to do with
BattleStar Galactica, which to date has absolutely no gay content at
all.
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